Monday, May 31, 2010
I am many different things to many different people. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, neighbour etc. These labels used to define my behaviour. The sister spoke differently than the friend...the wife unlike the co-worker. I adapted to my company and my environment. There was no one true version of myself that I presented to the world. I acted as various pieces of a puzzle to hide my real nature. It was hidden even from myself.
Fear. Fear held me back from being myself. No one could possibly love the real me! I decided just to be who I thought I needed to be in the moment. Be funny with the guys, overly-concerned with the girls, witty & gossipy with the co-workers... I ended up looking the fool time and time again...to myself at least. If never felt good. It never felt true.
And yet now I have slipped into my skin. I have wrapped myself in truth. It is comfortable here. I love myself. So how did I get here? How did I find the courage to gather up all the loose ends and tie them into me? Practice. Practice of telling the truth...of forgiveness...of self-love...of reflection...of compassion. It is by far the hardest work I have ever done. And I'm not done yet.
I still slip up. I sugar-coat to avoid conflict...I make an excuse to avoid a slight. I am so conscious of this now though! I know I do it and why. So I do not worry. These mistakes will be made less and less. It's part of my growth and my journey. The intention though, the intention is one true version of me and I truly believe it is the intention that counts.
More and more I show who I truly am without fear. I love who I am, faults and all. It's all me. It's all good.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I sometimes wake up at 5am. The house is quiet. The town is asleep and dreaming and yet I, for some reason, am wide awake.
This used to be a time of great anxiety. I would look at the clock and think "Ugh. Great. Now how am I going to get back to sleep?!". My thoughts would quickly turn to a replay of the previous day's events. A self-imposed shame-fest would ensue. What did I do wrong? Say wrong? Did I eat too much? Did I eat the wrong things? Did I look bad? What did I wear? And on and on...
Now when I awake at 5 am I smile. It's me time. I roll out of bed and plant my bottom on a pillow on the floor. I breathe. I close my eyes and clear my head and allow Love to flow from my heart to my entire body....then to the room...then to the house and eventually to the whole world. My mind is so clear in the wee hours. The energy is wonderful.
My worry and anxiety served no purpose. It was a bottomless pit of negativity from which it was near impossible to escape. Love however, is power...it's transformative. I truly believe that this early time in the morning is when miracles are made. By taking that time of pure quiet and feeling only love, I bring more of that to me and I send more of it from me. This is why I was awoken. It is part of my mission and it is time well spent.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It has been said that in order to truly know something, one must know the opposite. To know love we must experience apathy; to know light we must also know the dark. Slowly I am starting to accept this.
For the longest time I thought it best to deny the parts of myself that I despised. I thought if I just kept thinking positively and love, love, love that all the ugliness would drop away.
It did not.
I love myself for my capacity for compassion and I dislike that I can be so judgemental sometimes...that I can be so easily disgusted by another person who, like all of us, wants only to be loved. Why does that happen? How come I can be so full of love, kindness & compassion for someone in one moment and then totally turned off and holier-than-thou the next?
The truth is that anyone who shows up in my life, anyone, is there to teach me something about myself. If you see it in another, it most certainly exists in you. And as my friend pointed out to me recently, your wicked side serves you. The judgements I have about others allow me to sort through what I want and what I do not. I believe the point here is to bring these dark thoughts and feelings closer to the light. Allow this wickedness to soften and to serve you in a loving way.
So instead of, in my case, judging and then feeling guilt about the judgement, I can recognize the feeling for what is. It is fear. I can ask my inner guide "What is this fear trying to show me? Why is this feeling appearing now?" The more I ask these questions, the better I become at learning the lessons....the better I know myself.
There is so much to love about you. You are a perfect package growing and changing into your truest self. We must not deny any parts of ourselves for they all make up who we are. Take it all, the light and the dark and know that you are whole. You are beautiful. You are loved.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I remember writing in my journal about 4 years ago, soon after I had my first child, that "Motherhood = Guilt". And while I know that is how I felt at the time, I realize now what an illusion that was. I felt guilty about how much time I spent with my daughter, about only breast-feeding her part of the time, about not being completely joyful with her after a night of no sleep....and so on. What I apprehend now is that I was feeling so much love for her and not of enough of it for myself.
There is no nobility in guilt. It is a low, helpless and destructive emotion. I often think that we talk about our guilt and wallow in it so often so that others will know how much we care....how much we wish things were better. The truth is that guilt is denying how things really are. It denies our power to love in the moment and to actively change what is not working. There is nothing to admire about feeling guilty. We are more than that.
When we leave guilt behind and become grateful for the way things are, we can begin to see how much our present circumstances serve us. It may be a catalyst for change or a time for rest...whatever it is for you, it is right.
In this moment right now, you are doing your best. In this moment here, you have no cause for guilt. Wrap yourself in love and forgiveness. Leave those feelings of guilt and disgrace behind and move forward with empowerment. You are a being of love and light with nothing to fear. Your future is bright.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Last week I found myself saying the words that I have no right saying in regards to another person's life. "You should"...You should talk to this person! You should take this class! You should not spend time with that guy.
I can certainly suggest things. I can offer advice, but how can I ever possibly know what someone else should do?
Do you think you could go a day without being judgemental? I know I couldn't. The more conscious I become of my thoughts however, the closer I get to blessing others rather than judging.
I will never truly know what is right for another person, but I can wrap him in love using my thoughts. I can see her surrounded by healing white light. I can pray that you know how loved and guided you are...and that your greatest good is always what is unfolding.
Of course doing this also helps me remember to apply these principles to myself. I judge not myself; I judge not others....well, less & less anyways...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
We all seem to have this incessant need for comparisons. We always need to know where we stand with our fellow human beings. We crowd our mind with thoughts like: "Well, at least I'm thinner than she is right?", "Does he make more money than me?", "Is this kitchen bigger than mine?". And if we don't measure up to others, feelings of failure inevitably surface.
How insane is that? We come at life from completely different angles than one another. We have completely different passions and intentions! Why oh why would we want the same as others? Why would their successes lessen who *we* are? And the flip side of that...why would their failures make us better?
I suggest that failure is an illusion. We are all unique expressions of spirit with varying beliefs, goals and fascinations. If we keep calm and focus on our own paths, how can failure exist? How can you fail at being yourself?
Have love for others and encourage them to be the greatest versions of themselves. Do this for yourself also and be surrounded by those who inspire you! Have forgiveness for yourself and those around you. We cannot judge the journey of another and we must make peace with our own at one time or another.
You may fall; you may rise to the top. That's all a part of it. Failure is false. You are your own truth. When you live honestly and with love, failure is not an option.