Wednesday, June 23, 2010
One of the books that has helped a great deal on my journey of self-discovery is Add More ~ing to Your Life by Gabrielle Bernstein. Gabby is launching a Book Club on her site www.herfuture.com. All women who are interested in the book or who have read and loved it already are encouraged to join the club. Click here to do so.
Each month the book club will go through a chapter with much assistance from Gabby herself. I will be participating as well and will share my journey here on this blog.
It's going to be exciting!! Add More ~ing is life-changing. Come...let's take this journey together. Let us wake up and get back to love!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Food has been an addiction of mine. I realize as I type this that there are many friends and family who do not know these things about me. They may be shocked, but this is my secret to reveal. I reveal it with love. I reveal it in the knowledge that I have healed myself and now perhaps, others.
I remember the first time I felt self-conscious about my body. I was 10 years old. A boy I liked teased me about my hips, of which I had been blissfully unaware. Hips? Yeah, what about them? Apparently, they were too big. Already at that tender age was ingrained in me a need to be good. I had to get A's. I had to please my parents and teachers. That's what love was. Love was approval.
This need for approval stalked me through my teenage years and crept into my 20s. At the age of 15 I began binging and purging. There was such peace in feeling full and satisfied with food in my belly. It took my mind away from my fearful thoughts. That was another misguided understanding of love, internal love. Feeling full felt like love...from the inside.
But the feelings of shame and inadequacy would eventually take over and so up it would come. It was a constant battle for internal love (binging & feeling full) and external love & approval (purging). I was a mess. I confided in only a handful of people...even my doctor, but the battle raged on for years with varying degrees of fervour.
Bulimia is chaos and control all at once. It blurs the mind and blocks the soul. I imagine this is true for all disorders, but I can only speak as I find. My body has been in dire need of healing for many years now. Marred by self-loathing and neglect, it has nevertheless served me well. And only recently have I been able to pull myself out of an ungracious fog and give thanks. I forced myself to love me. I got down on my knees. I wept. I asked for a miracle. "Help me to see who I really am and to love her!"
With affirmations, prayer and meditation, I have been led through the mist to the clear, loving light of day. I love myself. This is real love. This is our truth. Our natural state is Love. I look into the mirror, deep into my eyes and I see me. I say "I see you and I love you.". No one else can do that for me.
Sappy though it sounds, I am saved. I now love myself too much to live unconsciously. I love myself too much not to nourish my body. When I think of all the crazy, misguided thoughts that led me to abuse my body so awfully, my eyes water with sadness and yet, gratitude. I am thankful for the journey for it has led me here. And as you read this, know that I am happy. I am loved. I am nourished. I am safe.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Just when I think I've gotten somewhere...just when I think I've learned the most important lesson...just when I think I am ready to commit to my dream...BAM..it hits me.
"Danielle, you are loved. Danielle, you still have work to do. In fact, the work will never stop." says the loving voice within.
That's what my intuition says, but what I feel is more akin to failure. And giving into that feeling allows a new voice to start speaking. I feel heavy and tired. I feel like I got too far ahead of myself. I feel like a sham.
Sitting in these thoughts & feelings for a while though and something miraculous begins to happen. It occurs to me that this is the same old tripe I used to wallow in that led me nowhere. This is the same thinking that held me back from shining my light! So I make a new choice.
I forgive myself. I forgive others who may have unconsciously slighted me. I let go and give thanks.
Breathing deeply and smiling to myself, I recall the words "...the work will never stop". It's good to be here though. There is beauty in self-discovery! And I would take being conscious over being unconscious any day.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
If you are seeking things to complain about, no doubt there are plenty. What is thought about is brought about. We live in this constant conundrum where we believe we are but boats lost at sea, when in fact we can pick up an oar and steer. We can steer our way into our own current and follow our unique stream of least resistance. There is a tunnel, a road, a way just for you....if you'd only let go.
Who but you can let go of your past mistakes and hurts? Who but you can forgive those who have wronged you? Who but you can step out of what was expected of you in favour of what is burning within?
You say "But I'm stuck! I'm still hurt!", and yet you despise feeling this way. Can you try to notice what you are feeling? Can you sit in the backseat and observe how low those thoughts make you feel? Can you begin to see how wallowing this way does not serve you? Of course you can. Who but you could do that? So now the question is: Are you willing?
Are you willing to feel love and compassion for everyone? Are you willing to get quiet and listen to that ever-caring voice within? Are you willing to remember who you are and why you were born in this time and space?
This is all it takes to change. A willingness. This is all that it takes to change the way you see the world and your place within it. And who but you can do that for you?
Monday, June 7, 2010
I grew up loving Charlotte Bronte & Jane Austen. The stories of love, loss and misunderstandings filled me up! I loved the romance of them and I eagerly awaited when it would be my turn to fall in love and be swept off my feet. It turned out I didn't have to wait long. I met my husband when I was 14 and we've been together since we were 17. While 13 years later he is my best friend and the love of my life, it never compared to those books I read as an adolescent...because they were fiction.
I do not mean to sound disappointed, merely a little surprised. I tried to make the drama throughout our relationship. When we were apart, I would accuse him of not missing me. When we were reunited I would demand greater showing of affection. It's a wonder he stayed with me at all! What I know now, and have for some time, is that I was putting expectations on him and on our relationship that were completely irrational! The love was there...underneath it all...the entire time. I just denied it. I blocked it in favour of something more dramatic...more romantic.
It is so different now.
Now, believe it or not, I find that feeling of romance and passion with my friends. These are not just your run of the mill "What's the weather like where you are?" friends. These women feed my spirit! We discuss everything. We pray; we meditate. Nothing is hidden and all is accepted. We inspire and uplift one another. We hold space for each other's greatest hopes and dreams. We encourage only that which we know to be each other's fullest capacity for magnificence. These are relationships like no other. These relationships have changed my life.
I no longer look to my husband to fulfill and validate every facet of my existence. While he is wonderful and very receptive to all that I do now, the pressure is off of him to support everything I do on a continual basis. I create the space where I attract the right people to speak to and share with.
I would encourage every woman, no matter your age to seek out like-minded ladies. Come together in mind, body & spirit and share. Take one another into confidence and behold the greatness in each other. This is love at its best and most powerful. This is the new romance.
2 Wonderful Places to Meet Like-Minded Friends Online: